Excerpt from ROMEO AND JULIET: THE ALT-VERSE*
by Shakespeare (and me when I was a freshman in high school**)
ROMEO:
So did methink; and therefore came I hither.
Good gentle youth, tempt not a desp'rate man.
I beseech you, fly hence and leave me alone.
What, will thou not follow thy own advice?
O, be gone! Leave the dead to themselves.
By heaven, I love thee better than myself.
For I have come hither armed against myself.
Stay not, be gone. Live, and hereafter say
A madman's mercy bid thee run away.
PARIS:
I do defy these conjurations
And apprehend thee for a felon here.
ROMEO:
Who art thou that dost call me villain?
What grievance do you have against me, gentle?
Your angry words remind me of a man now dead,
My cousin, who turned and stabbed my friend.
PARIS:
I am kith and kin of Prince Escalus,
Known throughout Verona as Count Paris.
Villain I call thee, for that thou art
You stole my lady's breath from her heart.
ROMEO:
Thy lady? Thou art the noble County Paris?
Mercutio's kinsman, friend of my friend?
What said my man when my betossed soul
Did not attend him as we rode? I think
He told me you should have married Juliet.
Said he not so? or did I dream it so?
O, apprehend me, good Paris. Kill me
And lay me down in dear Juliet's tomb.
[Paris draws his sword.]
PAGE:
O Lord, they fight! I will go call the watch.
[The page exits. Romeo falls to his knees before Paris, dropping his weapon.]
PARIS [Aside]:
Why doth he wish to lay with the lovely Juliet?
How earnest this charlatan's words and gestures
He claims to tender both my heart and my blood
On my honor as a gentleman, I can kill him not,
While he kneels submissively before my blade.
[Paris sheaths his sword.]
Young Montague, why art thou so eager for thy death?
There has been enough of that disease in Verona's streets.
ROMEO:;
Tomorrow seek my father out and he shall tell all
For now, let me venture into this grave of Capulets.
I vow I will not harm the relics that sleep there.
PARIS [Aside]:
He speaks the truth, or I am Pandora's scullion.
[To Romeo] I shall leave thee now to go thy weary way,
And while you repent your sins, sorrow for me.
Do me a favor and lay this rose upon Juliet's shroud
I pray that when we next meet it be as comrades.
ROMEO:
I will take the rose, for there is no doubt in my mind
We shall be friends on the other side of the shore.
*You know, the one where it's a "problem play" like The Tempest and ends with a wedding
**It was a class assignment or I would have never attempted to rewrite an entire play that was meant to be a tragedy as a problem play with a happy ending
